Bullying. If you're waiting for the bullying to start in high school, you're off by about 2-3 years...particularly with girls. For Taylor it began in grade 5 and i was SO unprepared!! The stuff she was dealing with was what i had been preparing myself to begin in high school. Not any more ladies and gentlemen! Kalli has had a better go of it, but she has a harder time standing up for herself, so she doesn't end up in confrontations. And the addage "stand up to bullying".... unless there is a group who are willing to "stand up", it only puts a huge target on the back of the individual who is "standing up".
Be real. Be as real as you can be with your kids. A recent family members' heart attack gave me the opportunity to be real. When the kids asked, i said "they don't know if he's going to make it". I couldn't lie to them and tell them it's "going to be ok"-that wouldn't be real, that wouldn't be truthful, and it certainly would set me up to fulfill outcomes i had no control over. Let them see you cry, and let them cry. Holding emotions in only leads to problems down the road as you learn to use other means to "suppress" those feelings. (Overeating, anorexia, depression, drugs, stress, anxiety, sex etc...) Emotions are ok and learning how to address them when you're young is much better than trying to do it when you're my age. I'm trying to teach my kids the same lessons i'm trying to learn!!
Apologise: I have started doing this whenever i 'lose' it with them. It is hard. IT. IS. HARD. But when a kid can forgive you in 2 seconds, it really makes you humble (and in my case, feel really guilty!!). It also helps them realize that you're human too, and we all make mistakes. Hopefully, we as parents, can learn from our mistakes and begin to make them less often.
Talk. Talk to your kids. I"m not a big "talker" so i find it hard to make conversation, but typically any kid can hold a conversation-we usually can't get them to stop talking! So if you're like me, ask a weird question, and see where it goes from there. You will be amazed at what you will end up talking about. But no subject is off limits-this will come in handy later on when they're trying to decide if they can tell you something or not. If they know you've never been shocked, (or at least you didn't show it on the outside), chances are, they'll be more willing to open up to you.
Ask them about their day-everyday. This gives you the opportunity to talk about an event when it's small; before it "blossoms" into something huge and you have a raging kid on your hands and you can't figure out W.T.H. happened! I started 3 yrs ago when Taylor was having problems at school, but i've made it a daily occurrence:
How was your day?
Good
Any problems?
No (or yes!)
Everyone still "feeling the love"? (everyone was nice and got along!)
Yes (or no!)
Who did "hang" with?
_________
Oh, what are they like?
You get the idea.
Be interested. Listen when they answer all the questions you just asked. Or even harder (at least for me who likes to multi-task) stop what you're doing and listen. AND look at them when they're talking---after all, that's what is expected of them "look at me when i'm talking to you". When they show you their project ask questions, tell them which part you like best, tell them that you liked the color they chose, or ask them how they chose that particular color/topic/pattern.
Do something together. Another hard one for me. I grew up playing outside with my brothers, but yet when we did an activity together with my parents, i loved it! I tend to want to finish what i'm doing and then "i'll be right there-as soon as i'm done this". Of course, one thing leads to another, and before i know it, it's time to start supper etc... and the opportunity is lost. They soon learned that there is no point in asking, because even though i'm saying "yes", i don't follow through. So i'm trying to stop what i'm doing, or better yet, ask for their help to finish. This way i can practise my conversation skills while we work together and then we can go do something fun. When you offer your kids a chance to do fun things with you, they will be more apt to chose you over their friends, because you don't care if their clothes match or if their hair is combed while you're doing it!
Laugh. Laugh out loud, laugh at their ridiculous jokes, laugh at YOURSELF!
Love. Love them with notes in their lunchbags, love them by helping them find their stuff after they've lost it for the millionth time, love them when their sick, love them with hugs, love them with smiles, love them when their melting down.
This is what i wish i had been told from day one instead of "don't hold your baby all the time, you'll never get any work done".
Some of these are ideas i've read about or things i've tried; some have been succesful and some i've learned i need to work on everyday. (I'm not perfect-believe you me-but oh how i wish i could redo my first10 years of parenting ways!)
This has shown me wonderful results; 2 days ago, after leaving a bake sale at the school, my 12 year old (who turned 13 on this 13th day of March), said to me "bye mom, have a good afternoon" as she was hugging me. Other moms didn't even get acknowledged.
Happy 13th Birthday "teenager"!
You are funny, you have more energy than that stinkin pink bunny on tv, you are creative, you are smart, you are beautiful, you are 13.
